Thanksgiving Day. My heart is just pressing to say
so many things but my mind and fingers are lagging behind. Today I am thankful!
The Lord is on my mind; He has ever been the wind in my sails in several
“windless” weeks here. He has ever been my strength when I am empty and
drained. He has been my refuge in the desert, the Sun in my storms and the
whisper at my back. He has given meaning and joy and life. I have seen Him
working in ways I would never have imagined and I have seen Him in the details
that I would have missed.
The reality
though is that these times have in general not had a feeling or warmth or
comfort or spirituality. There have been many silent tears alone in my small
apartment. There have been nights and mornings with my 15 boys that have put
dread in me to come back to the house the next evening. There have been days when
all I felt was failure. There have been tears. But here I am~happy! I am happy
to be here, I am happy to be alive, to have shared in the lives of these kids,
to have been awaken in the middle of the night to feed bebito, to have toiled
in lesson planning, to have put a small seed (Lord willing) into the little
lives here.
I am thankful, for my hard days (sometimes more
like weeks). I think God knows that on the other side of those things they give
you such perspective. Like I don’t ever want to pretend what someone else is
going through. I have no idea, just like it is so hard to explain what life is
really like here….I need to realize that about other people’s circumstances.
I am thankful for grieving. Grieving what life is,
what life could have been, relationships lost, mistakes made, the difficulty of
dreams coming true. That grieving; it extends our hearts if we can keep
bitterness out. It makes us softer to other people and I think, softer to the
Lord’s voice. It gives the silence that we need to comfort those who are
grieving; it gives us the ability to feel the weight of life and the meaning
that is here.
I am
thankful for simple two word prayers, when our hearts and heads cannot find
anything else. I am so, so thankful we have a God who hears. He really does.
I am thankful for loneliness because it teaches me
that only God can fill us, truly fill our longings to belong and be loved and
have meaning. It is teaching me to reach out to people who are alone. It is teaching
me to have compassion and to be involved in lives.
I am thankful that here I have had some of the most
difficult times in my life and I’ve had some of the best times in my life. A
journey of a lifetime.
Happy Notes::: I AM SO THANKFUL MY MOM IS HERE :D I
love her so deep!
